Having a good father is a blessing, however being a good father is even more of a privilege and a blessing. In todays society we hear a lot about dead beat dads, parents that don’t show up for their biological offspring, and beautiful children that grow up fatherless or worse — grow up with their biological father coming in and out of their life bringing nothing but false hope and consistent instability.
As a society we grieve for these children that have fallen victim to the one that was supposed to protect them. There are daddy-daughter dances that never happen, father-son camping trips that never take place. Innocent questions surface when school starts “Why does everyone in class have a dad but me?” No matter how much we try normalize life for the fatherless there is always the school activity of creating fathers day gifts for dad, or other opportunities for children to brag on their good father (as they should) which leaves the children of the absent fathers feeling abandoned, alone, and isolated.
I grew up with a extremely involved father that loved and respected both my mother and all their children. I could not imagine how anyone could survive without a father figure involved on that level. Yet, here I am, two children — a teen and a pre-teen that have both experienced abandonment by their father sometimes going as long as nine years without even seeing their biological father.
I scroll my social media feeds on days like today — Father’s Day — hearing others brag on men that exeed the expectation of a good father. I hear about the camping trips, sports coaching, family vacations, provision, and the learning of life skills. It’s tough sometimes to read those things and think of my children being without a father.
As I read about these great men it occurred to me what a privilege it is to these men to have the gift of children. I saw a few men post the best thing that ever happened to them was to become a father. They are right. I started reflecting as I read the dad brags. Their dad took them on camping trips — our family friends took my children on camping trips with their dad. My kids didn’t miss out on that, their dad did. I hate fishing, but my kids wanted to fish. I was just reminded yesterday on timehop that my kids enjoyed their first fishing trips with my sister’s good friend. They didn’t miss out on fishing trips with an outdoorsman, their dad missed out on those fishing trips. My dad taught me how to ride my bike, I honestly don’t know if I could teach my children well, and I definitely know that I couldn’t teach my kids to throw a baseball as well as my dad taught me. My kids didn’t miss out on learning how to ride a bike or throw a ball — the same great teacher (their Papa) taught them that taught me. My kids didn’t miss out on learning how to ride a bike or throw a baseball, their dad did. My dad taught me to mow the lawn and do yard work, my daughter and son are now one of the hardest working kids I’ve seen when it comes to landscaping and yard work. Just this spring the three of us carried over two thousand pounds of pavers up the mountain we live on and installed a new patio ourselves where we can enjoy more summer fires. Not once did any of us mourn that we didn’t have a father to help with that traditional role, but many times the weight of the project was calculated, celebrated, and boasted about it once we conquered. I will forever treasure that landscaping project memory. My kids didn’t miss out on learning how to landscape and work hard, their dad missed out on the privilege of coming shoulder to shoulder, sweating, teaching, and conquering with them.
Today I told my kids our plans for the day. My pre-teen rolled his eyes and groaned which is kind of normal for him. I asked him why as I wasn’t sure if this was just typical behavior or if there was some reasoning behind it. He told me “Today sucks, because it’s Father’s Day and I don’t have one.” The three of us reviewed the above experiences and we came to the conclusion that yes, life is harder sometimes with only one parent, but the fatherless are not victims. The fatherless still get the experiences, the fatherless still get a huge amount of love. There may be times when they miss out, have tighter finances, and plain old don’t have the man power for some projects, but even those with excellent fathers miss out from time to time too.
My thirteen year old daughter recently took out the power washer which stopped working over the winter and started youtubing how to fix it. I feel so privileged to have a daughter that when she doesn’t have a dad to run to with her problems has learned to take things on herself independently. My eleven year old son has been clearing our extra lot of property lately enjoying using power tools. These kids aren’t victims that haven’t had excellent role models. Fatherless kids don’t have to be victims. Although it would be ideal for both parents to be active and contribute to the raising of their children, the biggest loss is to the father (or mother) that has excused themsleves from the privilege of being a part of the children’s life. As an adult I have enjoyed a great relationship with my parents, to which I am so thankful, but the reality is that we only need a parent/guardian for a few years and after that the friendship and support is just a bonus. The absolute biggest blessing in my life has been raising my children. I look forward to years of adult friendship. I can not imagine missing out on that — the largest blessing. I can not imagine the current and future regets that parents have that have walked away from these blessings.
Happiest of Fathers Day to all the wonderful dads out there. To the children and the mothers that are keenly aware today of the abandonment or other hurts that Father’s Day, hold your head high. Abandonment is not your identity. A father does not determine your value. You are not a victim. Take an inventory of your blessings and opportunities that you have been given uniquely by your situation and stand proud. You aren’t the one missing out.
leahholcomb 